While doing research on a totally different subject I found an article by Kelly Bryson called Perfecting your selfishness. This article inspires me enormously since it will help me to give of myself willingly and from the heart.
What caught my eye was a list of motto’s to help me Perfect my Selfishness.
* Me first and only, in ever situation, at all times.
* Ask for 100% of what you want 100% of the time and be prepared to empathize with any response
* Never listen to one more word than you want to hear from anyone
* You never have to answer anyone’s questions, because you are not on trial
* Trust that all your needs are gifts to other people
* Present your needs as if you were Santa Clause passing out gifts “Ho, ho, ho, you lucky dog, you get to give me a massage, if you’d like.”
Google gave me more motto’s:
* Develop the willingness to let people you love suffer (not to be confused with making them suffer).
* Never let anyone get his/her needs met at your expense. To do so is violence to both of you.
* Never do anything to prevent someone from freaking out (except babies under 15 months)
* Never give anyone the power to make you give in or rebel.
Why do I post this?
At the moment I am doing two volunteer jobs. One job is with and for the homeless or poor people in my neighborhood. The other one is in a supporting role as well. It is highly provocative and freaks me out.
Yesterday I hit the proverbial brick wall: I came home exhausted, huge headache and sad. Time to do some inner digging.
The idea about being a volunteer was to do something for others and give of my time and energy.I thought it would make me feel good. It did not. I felt vulnerable during work, I did not say that I was upset or anything. I saw myself avoiding confrontations, blaming others for what they did and did not do. So I buried myself into working harder. Why do I need to do that?
I could stop the two volunteer jobs, but that is not my style.
Giving and working hard is the nice front to cover something else up. Get the picture? I feel uneasy and cover it up with working hard.
Why the hard work? – I want to be liked – I want to be seen as a great person – I want appreciation, big time! – I kind of blame others to be lazy and for never doing enough. aka I am always better (tricky one)
So looking forward to being perfectly selfish you know. I have had enough of the giving to get appreciation. I thought I was over that. I guess I am not.
Radiant woman is having a flaw, I am human and will allow myself to grow from these volunteer jobs. Looking forward to change myself and get it over and done with.