“Courage is being scared to death…
and saddling up anyway.”
The game called life has an upside and a downside. I tend to favour the up side of course, since that is the way to surf through life. It is easy, requires no efforts at all, the thrill I feel is great. Living from the upside I think is also related to what I expect from life. If I expect the good, the good will manifest. If I expect the worst, then also that will come around.
This is a story how I learned once more that the only path I can walk is my own. The game called life is mine for the making and the taking. No one to blame when things go downhill, only I am responsible of my life.
For the last 3 months the downside has gotten more than enough attention. What caused this is my mind being busy with a break up that occurred in early December 2006. My husband and I were involved in an enterprise. As time progressed we were both feeling that it was time to move on. Of course I tried hard not to listen to this little voice within that urged me to leave and go my own way. I was determined to make a success of it, because I wanted it to be a success. I was like a dog with a bone. I didn’t want to let go.
When I begin a new project I have these expectations. They stick and make a pattern for me to follow. Of course the reality is different but I tend not to see it since I keep referring to my homemade expectations! This enterprise was so promising, full of potential and possibility. And still it didn’t feel right.
Anyway, early December my granddad was a dying granddad and I had long talks with him about dying and about life as well. He was by that time in bed 7/24, he could not wash himself, shave, or go to the loo. He was doing a great job, the nurses loved his wits and left happy every time they came to take care of him.
My own worries at the time all circled around leaving the enterprise, yes or no? When was the best time to leave? How could I say that nicely to the other people involved? Would there be other work if I would leave? Was it wrong for me to leave? Was there anything I could do to make it work again? Everything I could think of kept me very busy.
Here was my 86-year old granddad, dying and so in good spirit, and I was sulking. Of course we talked about it and at one stage I said to him that he was to me ‘a courageous dodo’, this doesn’t really translate well but I will mention it all the same. To me he was a rare example of being sick and so courageous and honest about what was happening to him. His answer to me was: “I am not, I am just walking on my path, what other way is there but walking it?”
In that moment I could fully release the enterprise. There was a big shift in me. His remark really hit home, it got very clear that I was on my path and the enterprise didn’t belong there any more. I communicated my decision and left the bone that I liked so much behind. My grandfather died 2 days later.