Today I stopped thinking of the why of my walk to Santiago. A part of me died there and I left it behind. Okay and I could not accept that.
I asked all the why questions:
Why on earth did I go on this walk?
Why did this and this and this happen?
Why did I do what I did?
My answers were all coming to the same conclusion:
I failed, I feel that I failed 100%.
To my husband and children.
In my relationships.
In loving myself and looking for love in wrong places and wrong faces.
So utterly in need of love, of being loved. Taking care of others was my way to feel love for myself. The walk showed me how little self love I carried for me.
All the beliefs I carry over myself about who I am and why I am here were shattered. it did not work any more. Nothing worked any more after coming home.
Now I am with the next question:
How about love?
How to use the experiences of the walk into my life?
How to recover from giving love to others and not to myself?
How to live with a heart that feels like it is an empty hole?
I know that I can take care of me, that I can use the experiences during the walk to serve me in the future. I know I can recover from my habit to give love to others and begin to love myself. One day I will feel it. I wish it may be one day soon.