Kelly has got her finger right on the sore spot in her post Why I don’t blog when I don’t blog. Sometimes her ego gets the better side of her and then she won’t blog. Ever been there? Well I have, countless times. I would rather blog about happiness, growth or positive things, so that I look good and radiant and funny and show off that I am doing ok. And please no adding to the negative by focusing on all the not-happy things in my life. But I got this thought: if we blog about the so-called negative, maybe it can also bring forth something positive that we have no idea about.
For example: Yesterday a woman I know vaguely walked up to me. I saw her coming out of the corner of my eye and wanted to vanish. The red flag as I call my inner compass when danger is approaching was warning me to leave. I did not. My ego was persuading me to stand still and address this woman. I answered her questions as best as I could. Within minutes I felt like a six-year old, so small did I make myself. The things she was asking were way out of line and I did not say stop.
Anyway I use my lunch time to be very angry at myself and I told myself again and again: you fool, you still cannot stand up for yourself. You should have walked away or told her off. Many hours later I was still repeating this conversation in my mind and was I busy with it.
But, and here is the part that I like about this event. How do I know that what I did was wrong? I have no proof to know whatsoever why this conversation went as it went. Why did I do what I did? I first thought that it was to teach me that I am still not good at dealing with people, setting boundaries and making a stand for myself. Ego talk showing me that I am not OK.
Then the next thought, after a whole lot of thinking of course, was that maybe I do not have any idea why this happened. It could have had a positive effect on this lady that she needed at that moment. Or it was for me to write a post about it so we can talk about that there are no mistakes in life? That things happen so that every one involved can grow from it? Who knows?
All I would like is to be true to myself always. That is my desire. To act real and talk real and dare to risk things. That any experience is a good experience also, that I am always doing a great job even if I don’t think so myself. This blaming myself is definitely not OK for me. If there really are no mistakes in events happening, that would make a difference and give me peace of mind. I will give that a chance then.