I often think about the events of last year. What did the events do to me or rather what did I do with the events that I was part of? One of the aspects that were triggered was being me and feeling OK to be me. Everything seemed to work together on growing into another Miriam. Like a work in progress, little strokes with a pen on paper. More and more parts become visible. No way around it, feeling vulnerable, leaving behind the tough Miriam, showing the soft Miriam. The year is nearly over, the sun has made another round in the sky, seven days left before the year closes. Six more stories to tell.
Saturday night, feeling lost. I listen to an album from Cecilia with the song Inner Harmony. Her words: “Feel your peace within, out of love you can give, what the world will need to live.” They touch me her words. I often feel no peace and then I feel sorry for myself. Most of all I wonder why on earth do I keep hiding myself, me and I from others.
Out of fear to be hurt. I do not want to suffer. I don’t want to be vulnerable any more. Life hurts often and out of past hurts I hesitate to shine as a radiant woman. I often present my depressive woman-side to the world. Typically also my list of wishes holds the wish: live fearless as if nobody is watching me. What do I need to do that? Can I pretend that no one cares, that I can live and be the best possible me?
I am curious as to how that works and later that evening I come across a text from M. Schulman that talks about aspects of ourselves that we try to hide.
Wisdom loses much of its inherent beauty in an attempt to transfer it from the higher to the lower, concrete mind. The mountain stands and the valley cannot help but see it. Should the mountain reach down to the valley it is no longer a mountain.
I fear the mountain part of myself. To be the mountain, to show myself and be myself. All of my life I try and be like the valley, to adjust myself to how others behave and do. To no avail. I never seem to get anywhere. I dilute my glass of nectar with water. And I end up hiding myself, my feelings, my thoughts. I go into hiding in the valley and it sucks. It also does not satisfy to sit in the valley.