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Posts Tagged ‘Life’

Sitting down after Sunday morning coffee. Will the words come? What is living inside of me? What is it that I want to express? When nobody is watching and I do not care that anyone is watching?

I know it is possible to write anything down. I wonder what would happen if I simply pretend that the words come.

So let’s suppose for one minute that the words are already there and that I am the one keeping them down. Interesting. The words are there, here goes. I will take the plunge and spit it out. Not edited, I will not allow my inner critic to have a go at it. Here goes.

When you have been reading here longer, you know I went to walk on the camino. I found a cross and decided to take a long walk. I felt I needed a break from my life. there was this feeling of being in a dead end road. I was scared to leave my kids and my husband. Afraid of what might happen since I was so longing and ready for change.

The plan was to walk for 5 weeks, they turned into being away from home for 11 weeks. This is what happened on the very first day.

It was on a sunny day, I remember well that my bus arrived late, traffic was huge and Lyon was a busy train station. Had to buy a ticket to take the train to St Etienne. Funny system do the French use, the machine has a rolling device and I could not figure it out. Asked around and found it simple when I knew what to do. Bought a ticket, found the right track to catch the train. Had to run on heavy mountains boots and big backpack of 10 kilo, or was it more? I jumped on board and we left.
Would I have been ten seconds later, it would have left already.

I was taking deep breaths and sweat was all over. Sitting. Wondering, excited. I was nearing my destination. At St. Etienne station I got off and another half hour waiting for the next train. A big TGV-train (super fast train) arrived from Paris. Quite a few people came out. I was standing for the TGV to move on, since my next train was to come on the track after the TGV. Or so I thought.

Two men walked by, in their fifties, healthy, strong and joyful. They were looking like they were going for a walk since they had pilgrim sticks. But they passed me and went to another smaller track at the side of the station. Luckily I followed them, curiously since they looked like pilgrims. It turned out that my train was leaving from there.

Then another man appeared , a man in black, with backpack. My body reacted, my heart skipped a beat, I got warm and a strong sensation of knowing this man I had never seen before was present. How could that be? Being attracted and pulled towards someone like that? I was in for a change, I had no idea.

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I often think about the events of last year. What did the events do to me or rather what did I do with the events that I was part of? One of the aspects that were triggered was being me and feeling OK to be me. Everything seemed to work together on growing into another Miriam. Like a work in progress, little strokes with a pen on paper. More and more parts become visible. No way around it, feeling vulnerable, leaving behind the tough Miriam, showing the soft Miriam. The year is nearly over, the sun has made another round in the sky, seven days left before the year closes. Six more stories to tell.

Saturday night, feeling lost. I listen to an album from Cecilia with the song Inner Harmony. Her words: “Feel your peace within, out of love you can give, what the world will need to live.” They touch me her words. I often feel no peace and then I feel sorry for myself. Most of all I wonder why on earth do I keep hiding myself, me and I from others.

Out of fear to be hurt. I do not want to suffer. I don’t want to be vulnerable any more. Life hurts often and out of past hurts I hesitate to shine as a radiant woman. I often present my depressive woman-side to the world. Typically also my list of wishes holds the wish: live fearless as if nobody is watching me. What do I need to do that? Can I pretend that no one cares, that I can live and be the best possible me?

I am curious as to how that works and later that evening I come across a text from M. Schulman that talks about aspects of ourselves that we try to hide.

Wisdom loses much of its inherent beauty in an attempt to transfer it from the higher to the lower, concrete mind. The mountain stands and the valley cannot help but see it. Should the mountain reach down to the valley it is no longer a mountain.

I fear the mountain part of myself. To be the mountain, to show myself and be myself. All of my life I try and be like the valley, to adjust myself to how others behave and do. To no avail. I never seem to get anywhere. I dilute my glass of nectar with water. And I end up hiding myself, my feelings, my thoughts. I go into hiding in the valley and it sucks. It also does not satisfy to sit in the valley.

Will I ever consider myself as being enough? Will I forever stay a work in progress?

I am a work in progress, originally uploaded by byot.

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On the internet I came across the famous line said by Obi-Wan Kenobi (Alec Guinness) in Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope: “The Force is what gives a Jedi his power. It’s an energy field created by all living things. It surrounds us, and penetrates us. It binds the galaxy together.”

It makes me smile and happy to be able to be one with the force again. To realize that when change is happening it is just the other side of the coin. It is not that the force is not with me anymore. It is not that I am lonely, not lovable, bad, guilty or whatever. I was in the last couple of months no longer aware of the force working through me as in all living things. Well sometimes I did but I fell into the black hole again.

The force is with me and you and everyone always. How can it not be? I can make the choice to have it present in my life. Or be stubborn and refuse it. My choice will be to have it in my life, in good and so called bad times when change is knocking on my door.

So, YES ! Today is a good news post by me. Today is the second day that I am out of my black hole. I made it through. I suddenly notice how the buckets lined up in the hallway remain empty. I grieved for by gone days. For what happened and did not happen, for what I did and did not do, for what I said and did not say.

In the end I begin to see that I resist change. The change that is inevitable in life and in living. When I resist change, that is when my life starts to look ugly and I can no longer accept what is. Everything seemed to fall apart. These days I gave up resistance, slowly I come to accept change again, a little bit more each day.

May the force be with you too.

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